Last week was moving right along, winter-as-usual around here with all its boredom, so I was happy to get out and have a routine x-ray. It’s always a great time to have people tell me how great I’m doing “at your age”. Yes, and aren’t I?
This year, there was a change. No cancer, thank-you-Lord, but a couple of other worrisome findings: bronchiectasis/pneumonitis in my left lower lobe; atherosclerosis of my coronary arteries and thoracic artery. This is new from last year, so maybe I’ve caught things quickly, eh? But I’ve been resisting taking cholesterol-lowering medicine for a couple of years now, so I feel guilty and crazy and kinda freaked-out. I’ll see my NP and get started on those meds, and maybe some steroids for the inflammation?, but I’m considerably humbled as I realize that even I, the healthy one with the good genes, can wear out.
I spent yesterday pouting and moping, having an interior argument with my inner bitch, fighting back all the “you should have” or “you know better” or the worst, “you’re a nurse, for gott’s sake”.
I did my usual praying and the general message from Beyond was: “I know we have talked about this extensively, this inevitable decay of All of creation”. Yes, We have talked about it, A Lot, I countered, but in a general way, not actually Me! I thought I was special! Silence on the other end has led me to believe that perhaps I’ve not been listening as well as I ought…
I had to calm myself as I imagined I’d never be able to “finish” my writing, or that I’d not feel like traveling . I began to see those efforts as meaningless and spent a while like the Teacher in Ecclesiastes:
What do people gain from all their labors
at which they toil under the sun?
4 Generations come and generations go…
My attitude was like Prince…
…We’re all gonna die
And when we do (When we do)
What’s it all for? (What’s it all for?)
You better live now
‘Fore the grim reaper come knocking on your door
After a dark walk through the past, I came out better…just like Prince, again: Am I going to let de-elevator break me down? Hell, no! Let’s Go!
One of the healthiest habits I’ve learned in my life is to look at reality and accept it. Non-resistance is as important for my heart as it is for my soul, so some meditation has brought ’round my perspective. These sorts of changes generally provide opportunities to Grow in understanding, compassion, and faith, as well as physical health, so it’s kind of exciting, in a nervous kind of way. I’m grateful for the medicines we have today; they may even be able to reverse what the radiologist saw. I’m so thankful no cancer was seen. I’m glad I feel so good.
I’m hard at work on what is now going to be a book, converting my blog posts over to Word and editing like mad. The blog itself (www.allmyancestry.wordpress.com) is still intact, though the book will contain updated material, some of which changes the whole chapter, so it’s more than just checking punctuation; good inside work.
We’ll be leaving for Disney in 3 weeks, planning on 2 nights at the campground, 3 at Pop Century. We’re still working on getting the bedding in Goldie right and I’ve ordered a foam mattress that I hope works.
I hope you don’t take this post as complaining, as I mean it as just an admission that I did a lot of griping and mulling yesterday. I know how good I’ve got it. I know how to make changes in my lifestyle to support the addition of meds. I’m just saying, this is a major change in my Mind and it will have an effect on the rest of my life, however long that may be.