No comment

I don’t know what to say.

I’m working on writing some words about it over on my Rave on, MadWoman blog, but it’s turning into a therapy session. For now, I am hiding. Since 9:30pm Tuesday I’ve neither heard nor read any news, with the exception of a a tear-filled conversation with my daughter on Wednesday morning. I went through and cut off “friends” I had spent the last months “talking” with over on Threads and Youtube. I’m so mad at myself for getting so emotionally involved, for caring at all!, but all I can do is stop it. I still wake up every morning sick at my stomach, bewildered, grieving. I wish I had some sage advice or comfort, but you could try doing what I do in the face of fear: Hide. Yes, Avoidance R me…

Thanks to my mother’s extreme moods, and the constant loud fighting of both parents, I developed the skill of dissociation at an early age, retreating into my own mind and literally hiding from the Noise in my closet or even under my bed. I don’t have to physically hide anymore, but I “hide” from my thoughts — I have re-organized all of my kitchen drawers, as if it it matters. I’ve read two books and a couple of magazines, and that new Reba show, Happy’s Place, is pleasantly distracting. I’m learning Handel’s Water Music in its entirety. Did I tell you I pulled my old stereo down from the attic, dragged out my extensive CD collection, and started listening in alphabetical order? I’m to Queen now…

I wish there were something more I could do…

Samantha and I were out at the Mall on Friday evening and I discovered that Build-a-Bears can cost a lot less than some of the other crap she likes, and they’re more fun, too.

I was talking to Samantha about the days when our phone stayed home, and if someone called us while were out, we’d Never Know… She was appalled. I asked her if she’d ever heard of a busy signal. Noo… I explained that if someone called Me while my sister was on the phone, they would hear a busy signal and we had No Way of knowing that someone had even called!!! I took her through a timeline of voice mail machines and bulky car phones with giant magnetic antennas. That’s about as far as I got before we arrived at the Donut Bank, but it got me to thinking about how nice it was when you could walk away from your phone., when TV wasn’t 24/7, and there weren’t computers to overwhelm us with sketchy information. I want my Peace Back.

Casey will turn 70 on November 30 and we’ve planned to celebrate in Gatlinburg, TN. We’ve been there for several holidays, but it’s been awhile, so we are very excited to see an attraction that is new to us: Anakeesta, a theme park at the top of a mountain, with zip-lines, mountain coasters, treetop walks, and lots of bars, restaurants, and shopping.

We planned to be there on his birthday-day, but since that would really make for a hectic thanksgiving holiday, we’re grabbing some clear weather and driving tomorrow. It’s about an 8-hour drive, and the weather forecast is sunny, highs in the 60s. Casey is as bummed as I am, so we’re pumped for a road trip.

Stay strong.

Peace