I guess I’m just getting too old for marathon eating…  Two days later,  I’m still waddling around farting and belching, eating tums and gas-X.

Whilst browsing this evening, I came across an article touting  “post-holiday detox recipes”.  It prescribed a breakfast, lunch, and dinner that would effectively reset your metabolism and digestion, eliminate toxins, and restore one’s inner balance.  The graphics were lovely, smart, and sophisticated, so I was keen to try the plan.

Right off the bat, breakfast involved buckwheat groats…not just groats, mind you, but buckwheat groats.  In my humble opinion, anybody whose pantry is always stocked with buckwheat groats has never Really experienced a food hangover…

(also, “Buckwheat Groats” is the name of a rap duo who put out a very interesting video called “Yo, bitch, I’m Tom Hanks”, but that’s my ADD acting up again)

Still, I do have the pear, the yogurt, mint, and syrup, so I thought perhaps I could make-do with some old-fashioned oats.  Of course, why not just make up a mess of oatmeal with sliced pears, doctor it up with some syrup, stir in some yogurt, top it off with mint,  and chow down…

Lunch stopped me cold, calling for farro—another grain that is not available from my shelves—and shallots, scallions, and wild mushrooms.

Could I use some barley instead of farro, onion instead of shallots and scallions, and some of those bought-on-sale baby bellas (strip-mined down in Texas)?   I don’t stock the collard greens, either, but I do have some frozen spinach…  Sounds horrible, but it might work if I add a couple spoons-full of bacon grease, don’t you think?

By dinner, I will be ready for some salmon, which I just happen to have (healthy me!).  Wait, there’s another call for the collard greens and what the ef….Hungarian hot paprika.  As scrumptious as it sounds, I don’t have it on hand…

Nor do I have any cauliflower, but how about potatoes?  I’m clean out of coriander and cumin seeds, too…  Maybe just some chili pepper on some taters with sprinkles?

Sigh…   I think I’ll just stick to the tums and do a little walking…